Ramblings of a Young Aussie Writer

A writer lost in her own imagination

Perennial By Ryan Potter 4 Star Review — July 9, 2014

Perennial By Ryan Potter 4 Star Review

I can honestly say that I was very pleasantly surprised by this book. I don’t think the blurb does this book justice and the cover threw me off a bit. I only say this because I started it not really expecting it to be as enthralling as it was. Perennial is very well written and I think Ryan Potter has created a great book. I went from thinking I might not finish it at the start to wanting to read the next book as soon as I finished the last page.

I liked the main protagonist – Alix and thought she was fairly relatable. She was a strong character with a kick-ass attitude which I always love. Lewis is a shady but interesting character that suited the book perfectly. Add William into the mix and you have a love triangle that constantly pulls the reader’s heart in two different directions. The reader really feels for Alix because both of her love interests have some great positives and some very negative ones which makes choosing one very difficult.

This book has some amazing twists and turns that really surprise you. The ending is both fantastic and shocking.

There are some negative though hence why I’ve given it 4 stars. I found that the very ending scenes were quite rushed and they needed more time spent explaining and justifying everything. The book went along at a good steady pace but when you get to the climatic ending it seems to be lacking, as though the author ran out of time and needed to wrap it up quickly.

Overall – This book is a great read and once you’ve started it you feel compelled to finish. If you’re looking for a book that gives you a great exciting ending with lots of surprises thenthis is the book. Good job Ryan Potter

**** 4 Stars

Perennial Ryan Potter

Writing A Great Antagonist – Nature Vs Nurture — June 13, 2014

Writing A Great Antagonist – Nature Vs Nurture

When I read a book, see a movie, watch a TV series I’m very picky when it comes to the characters. Yes I love fiction but if a main character seems to have personality inconsistencies it can be very off-putting and ruins the illusion throwing you back into your life and not the fictional world you were lost in. I’m not a published author nor have I any fantastic writing achievements to my name (yet haha) but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I like as a reader/audience.

My family always makes jokes about me watching the crime channel on pay tv and until I really sat down and thought about it, I didn’t really understand why I liked to. And here it is –

I’m going to relate this to books and writing rather than anything else as this applies to me. Most of the time the protagonists in a book are relatable and their motives are something we can relate to or even just understand. I feel that this is because most people we associate with are, for lack of a better word, good. Their intentions usually lack any kind of malice. Everyone does something bad in their life, the severity varies but it’s usually not bad enough to be classified as evil. There are some who have a sick, evil streak through them which I believe puts them on the border of evil.

I talk about evil as a high percentage of antagonists can be described as evil. This leads the reader to question the reasoning for this evil. It comes down to the simple statement – Nature verses Nurture. The age old saying is what every author needs to ask themselves when creating their antagonists. Because in our social circle there usually isn’t a person who is evil. This is where shows that are on the Crime Channel become an invaluable learning tool. I watch them to try and get a better understand of these people’s motives but sometimes there aren’t any. I’ve found that although there may be events in their past that could help trigger their violence, most seem to almost be at peace with what they have done, want to do and the urges that drive them. There was one many who killed over 25 women and his story got me thinking. He was raised on a meat farm and grew up slaughtering animals, his mother was violent and he lost both parents close together when he was an adult but he lived with and cared for them. I won’t go into detail but I was left wondering – in a different situation, with a different family and a different upbringing but the same DNA would this man have become a killer? This man had two siblings but both moved out of home early and never looked back. I keep wondering do these two (male and female) have any violent tendencies? Do they have a suppressed urge to inflict pain? Do they have pets, a family and how do they treat them? They aren’t killers (as far as anyone knows) but is it because they ‘got out early’ of a horrible situation overwhelmed by death albeit it be animals? Was this killer born or raised to be what he became?

I feel that to create that perfect antagonist, a writer should know without a doubt whether that character’s actions come down to Nature or Nurture. 

When Words Elude You — May 29, 2014

When Words Elude You

 I’m lucky enough that words rarely elude me (yes I may talk a bit too much sometimes). I find ideas randomly pop into my head and once they are there, there’s no going back. With laptop comfortably placed in front of me I start typing. I marvel at my brain’s ability to generate a story without even a second thought. I know the basics of what my story or scene will be but until I’m sitting there with my fingers on the key I’m really not sure where these ideas will take me. Rationality and overthinking are bypassed as my imagination takes control and tells my fingers what to do. To read back through what you have written and feel the emotions you wanted to the reader to feel brings a real sense of pride. I did this, I create a piece of work that stirs the emotions of the reader. I want to enthral my readers to the point where they unknowingly allow their emotional journey to show on their faces. To smile without realising that the fruits of my imagination have transported them to such a realistic world that they have been emotionally moved by the story’s journey.

 

I’ve currently almost finished editing my manuscript (working title – Surrender). The crazy thing though is that I haven’t written the very last few pages/chapter. I’ve come to a halt, realising that I haven’t quite finished writing it. It’s the part I guess you could call the epilogue, just to finish things off. I don’t want to end it without leaving the reader with a few questions that they will find themselves dreaming about what might happen after the words have stopped. Sometimes I think that happily ever after finishes things off with too much finality and the reader doesn’t get the chance to use their own imagination, thinking about what might happen next in the character’s lives.

 

I was having a conversation the other day with one of my friends who is an avid reader. She brought up how amazing it was that I had written so much and created manuscripts that are “an awesome read” as she put it. Of course I was completely flattered. She went on to say how there was no way she would ever be able to create something like that. I was surprised that someone who had reader so many books would not be able to create her own story. It might just be because words and ideas come to me so easy but I was confused, didn’t that happen to everyone? Doesn’t everyone have those moments where their imagination clouds their reality? Those fantastical stories, ideas come flooding in and play out in front of you as you go on autopilot for the rest of the world.

 

Unfortunately though right now my imagination is having a communication problem with my fingers as the words they are spitting out on the screen in front of me aren’t good enough to describe the scene in my mind. I can see the end, I can picture exactly what I want and how it plays out as though it were a movie but the words to describe it elude me. Words worthy of the story, worthy to spread across the pages. Those last few pages could completely ruin the whole story if I can’t find the right words to describe exactly what’s in my head. I have written this part many times but none of those seem to fit properly. I’ll keep preserving because it’s worth it and because I love writing. I know the words will fall into place eventually and I’ll wonder why I ever stressed about it.

 

So here’s to gathering those perfect words and writing an ending befitting of my characters.

Image

Silence is the Window to the Soul — May 18, 2014

Silence is the Window to the Soul

It’s been quite some time since I’ve blogged or really had much to do with social media as I’ve felt I needed to concentrate on family time but as I sit in the silence on a Sunday afternoon, I can’t help but write. I have been editing of late which means that I won’t let myself be distracted by writing as I know I’ll get carried away and forget to finish my editing. This hasn’t helped my attitude toward editing which is already not highly regarded by me. A necessary evil but reading my work does ignite a sense of pride and excitement. 

But on the cloudy afternoon, in the solitude of my empty house I allow my thoughts to wander. It’s a strange thing to explain to those who don’t like to write but allowing your head to venture into the unknown thoughts that linger in the shadows is a release. It is a soothing sense of freedom that makes me want to forget it all and start writing something new. The only way I can explain it is (I assume) the same freedom that a dog in a car with its head out the window enjoying the breeze whistling through its fur feels.

Silence is the real window to the soul I believe. In silence we can let our soul be free and create what it wants. In silence our thoughts can take over our reality, smothering the boredom that so often comes along. Its a beautiful sound. Nothing, just nothing. There’s a ticking clock but it seems so distant. My head spins with new ideas that its hidden for too long. I’m happy, I feel at peace with the world and with that comes the level on release that allows my mind to do what it does best – create. The stories, characters and scenarios spin wildly through my head and I marvel at my brain. All the emotions I feel in my reality have marked my soul in some way and all of those marks have had their purpose in my ideas. Strong, overwhelming emotions can give you the understanding of some of your characters and that is what makes a book so much better – related, realistic characters. 

I have my pen and notebook and my laptop to take note of these ideas. Soon the noises of life will start up again and I will have to leave my imagination and its thoughts at the back of my mind. As my family returns, a sliver of disappointment washes over me but then I realise these are the ones that show me such powerful emotions, these are the ones that inspire my writing.

Overwhelmed By The Publishing Industry — April 22, 2014

Overwhelmed By The Publishing Industry

I’m sitting here with an unreasonable amount of tabs open in my browser with a vacant lost expression on my face. After hours of research into the pros and cons of how to go about getting my manuscript out to readers I’ve decided I’m much more confused than I was before I started. I’m drowning in a sea of advice given from a million conflicting sources. My goal is for my manuscript to be given life and make its way in this big world. Who’d have thought writing 100,000 words would’ve been the easy part.

I’m fairly new to the manuscript/book writing game so getting my manuscript to become more than just that, seems an impossible task now. From Literary Agents, Publishers, competitions and self publishing – all of which seem to have some real pros and cons. I’ve been deliberating for weeks now and my first choice with this current manuscript was to self publish. I have been jumping between ideas since googling everything I can think of to do with publishing but I’ve finally decided to stick with my decision to self publish. I’ve felt like this has been a huge decision and I’m scared I’m doing the wrong thing but I’m going to follow my instincts. I’m a bit worried now that I’ll be useless at raising a child if I find it so hard to make a decisions on things like a manuscript…. o_O Plans to have a family may have just been delayed for awhile now haha.

When it comes to finding the right way how to go about bringing a manuscript to life, I’m not sure I’ll know if it was right for quite some time. No-one’s going to hold my hand as much as I wanted to cling to the hope that someone will but maybe its for the best.  

So here’s to making my own way in this world and to never knowing if I’m right 🙂

An insight into a Queenslander’s life – New Push Bike Laws — April 15, 2014

An insight into a Queenslander’s life – New Push Bike Laws

Recently Queensland (Australia) has introduced laws regarding push bikes on our road. This includes always staying 1m away in a 60km zone and 1.5m in a 100km zone. There are hefty fines for those caught breaching this law. These new laws have caused my irritation at an ignoration uninformed government to barely keep contained. I have been a truck driver for many years now and have grown up with a father who at one point attended car/vehicle accidents (he did what it took to provide money for our family – so much respect). I guess you could say that I have a lot of experience on the road and have heard some shocking first hand accounts of tragedies. 

I wish I could share this post with millions of people not just in Queensland or even Australia but all over the world. No-one has correct knowledge of everything and it is important to learn something new all the time. This is why I need to write this, to explain the harsh reality of the dangers of push bikes on our roads. Maybe, just maybe we could make some people see sense. This is not about putting down our push bike riders, far from it, this is about trying to help them understand the other side of the story so to speak. 

A Semi truck doing 100km/h takes approximately 500ms to stop but if you are fully loaded it will be much further. That would mean that in a semi you always need to see at least 1km ahead of you to react and stop in time if need be. That in itself is a difficult and more often than not impossible task. I’ve had many ‘near-miss’ experiences with push bike riders on the road and each time I’m left feeling sick to my stomach at what could’ve happened but thankfully didn’t. 

I was driving fully loaded in our lovely capital Brisbane in peak hour traffic one Friday afternoon and on certain two lane roads in the city it is almost impossible to fit a truck within those lines so if you have 4 trucks all together passing then there is a high likelihood that someone may lose a mirror (been that had that happen). There is NO margin for error in a truck especially in a situation like that. Unfortunately car drivers don’t always understand how hard it is to stay in your lane especially if there is a tree/sign partially infringing on your lane. Most car drivers don’t understand our stopping distance, weight nor general size but alas you get used to ensuring you quickly correct a situation where a car has unwittingly landed themselves in a deadly position on the road. A certain main road in Brisbane is windy which gets your heart racing when you drive on it in a truck. I was in the left lane (as per Aussie rules), there were multiple cars next to me including one right in my blind spot which in a truck is quite a big area. As a driver I always ensure I know the vehicles around me at all times so that if they are hidden in a blind spot I will notice the disappearance of them which keeps everyone safe. I was doing around 50km as I knew this road very well but I was fully loaded. I rounded one of the various curves only to be met with a push bike rider in my lane doing around 30km maximum. My heart stopped, I didn’t have anywhere to go and I was only metres/seconds from killing a push bike rider and I had to think of an ‘out.’ I’ve always been taught that every driver always needs to have an ‘out’ at all times in case something goes very wrong. It’s a subconscious thing for me nowadays and it has saved many accidents and most probably even a death. One of the cars next to me had sped up closing the gap that was my ‘out’ just before we rounded the corner together. I was left with a life changing choice – try and stop or take my chances with the car next to me. I prayed that the car driving was a local (Brisbane drivers are used to avoiding people who cut them off because they’re lost or driving erratically). I didn’t know if the car had a children in it or a family but the push bike rider would be given a death sentence if I didn’t swerve – so I did. I chanced the car driver’s skills at avoiding my long truck and swerved straight into their lane. We were all lucky that day and I’m so thankful that that car driver was watching and was able to dodge out of my way (I did get a blast of the horn until they realised why I’d done it). I have had a few moments in my career where you just want to stop and cry/composure yourself/stop shaking. I’m glad my truck isn’t the biggest you can get but at 10m+ non-articulated steel you still have so many dangers. With my truck, if I turn before the back axle has passed a certain point then the back few metres of absolute solid steel will flick out and take out anything that gets it its way. To emphasize how strong that steel is – a van drove straight into the side steel of the truck at around 80km and all that the truck sustained was a scratch in the paint! If that push bike rider was closer to the apex of the corner or I was looking in my mirrors then by the time I reacted, swerved it most probably would’ve been too late as he would’ve been killed by the back as the truck turned. Unless you’re in that position and have experienced the fear of almost having no way of stopping your vehicle from killing someone then you can’t fully understand that. This was not the first and certainly not the last time I was put in a such a dangerous position with a push bike rider on the road. As with every traumatic experience you always look back and relive those moments questioning what you could’ve done differently. I know many truck drivers who have been left with some terrible psychological problems from being involved in accidents where someone has died and although they were not at fault they are left to relive the terrible screams of people trapped and dying. Horrific I know! My dad once told me how he attended an accident involving a car and push bike. When he arrived someone was being put into an ambulance and they called his name. He was shocked to see an adolescent male missing more skin than not and it was a friend of the families he had known since the boy was only little. The boy explained that he was riding his bike and had forgotten to look properly and had been hit by a car. He was scared and seeing a familiar face wanted my dad to stay with him (understandably) but once the painkillers were administered the paramedics assured my dad he would be fine and left. In a job where you attend and are sometimes the first on the scene you have to detach yourself from the situation of you would never be able to cope but seeing someone you know, it breaks down those walls that hold back your emotions. 

In my opinion push bike riders should not be allowed on our roads and the only reason is because it is just too damn dangerous for them. They are putting themselves at a huge risk everytime they take to the roads. There are many times when you are on the road and not just as a truck driver but a driver of any vehicle when you are presented with a ‘you or them’ situation and although most of those turn out ok there are the ones where the driver has done whatever it took to avoid someone else and for that they perished. It’s human nature to swerve away from another human whether they be in a car, motorbike, truck, on a push bike or even a pedestrian and it that can result in self-sacrifice.

I don’t know if there is a solution to the problem of where people are allowed to ride their push bikes safely but the footpath seems like a much safer idea right now. I really wish I could take each and every single push bike rider for a drive and show them what happens in a situation involving a push bike and truck. There is a stage where you become powerless to do anything to fix the situation and in a truck things like desperately braking and praying you will stop is one of those. You just become a passenger on a de-railing train that can’t be stopped so to speak and all you can do is watch as the nightmare unfolds.

To all those push bike riders – please ride safe and don’t forget how vulnerable you are on the road.

Your Characters are Influenced By Your Life – Like It Or Not —

Your Characters are Influenced By Your Life – Like It Or Not

This blog entry isn’t just for writers but for readers and writers alike.

What makes your favourite character? Favourite villain? Favourite hero? And why? It all comes down to your own personality and life experiences. Every single one of us will have different answers and hundreds of different reasons too. In a love triangle in a book I always fall in love with the guy who has loved her from the beginning. The unwavering love that will always be there is the one that will always triumph over the rest. True pure love doesn’t die. There is no end to it so for me a character who posses that kind of love will always win my heart. But that’s just me and I’m a true romantic.If you take your favourite book and look at the characters you connected with most. Are those characters the same ones that the writer has promoted to those roles? Not always but that’s a good thing.

Every author, whether they know it or not, bases their characters on what they love and hate and their life experiences. I attended an all girls college for the whole of my schooling. When you’ve got 1000+ girls together there is a lot of bitchiness and always an unspoken competition over whose parents have the most money. Unfortunately I was near the bottom and although I harboured a lot of resentment toward those girls with exceedingly wealthy parents, I am now appreciative that my parents taught my the value of money. We always had to budget and I was very grateful for everything I was given. My sister and I were spoilt by our parents as much as they could afford (and so much than that) but we were respectful. Manners were a huge thing in my house and we weren’t even allowed to say bum. All of those things have shaped me to unknowingly create antagonists that are usually female, mostly bratty and impolite. My protagonists are usually relatable to me – regardless of how much money their family has they are polite, respectful and many nice things but not EVERYTHING. Of course I refuse to allow my life thus far dictate all of my writing but it is nice to create a few characters that bring out strong feelings within you whether it be positive or negative. That is something that I feel is paramount to writing. You need to feel passionate about all of your characters (main ones especially) in order to portray them in a way that people can also relate to. So next time you read or write maybe stop for a moment to consider why you love/hate certain characters and you might find you learn something about yourself. It’s important to never been ashamed of the things in life that have shaped you as a person because sometimes they can inspire you to write something incredible.

Better get back to editing I guess…..

spongebob-homework

Procastination

Entering the “Dear Lucky Agent” Contest – http://tinyurl.com/pcmopmq and Kind of Excited — April 10, 2014

Entering the “Dear Lucky Agent” Contest – http://tinyurl.com/pcmopmq and Kind of Excited

I’ve decided to enter the “Dear Lucky Agent” Contest – http://tinyurl.com/pcmopmq  (For some reason I can’t get the link to ‘link’).

It will be the first time I’ve entered a writing contest (well since high school that is which feels like a long time ago). I’m pretty excited and I think that writing contests are a great way to gain experience on submission, etc. 

So all my fingers are crossed and let’s hope I don’t do terribly. It’s always nerve-racking when you submit your work for critiquing. This manuscript is definitely my ‘baby’ and I hope other people will like it as much as I do 🙂

Writing a Relatable Character — March 27, 2014

Writing a Relatable Character

Whenever I write I write with the aim to create all my characters with some aspect of relatability. It doesn’t matter how major nor minor they are, I think it’s paramount for a writer to make their characters believable. It’s our duty to our readers. To write in a weak, unbelievable character into a piece of work is an insult to your loyal readers. I feel like it is insulting their intelligence. I’ve read many things with character that are ‘groan worthy’ and it ruins the mood of the book. No matter how good a piece of writing is, if there is an unbelievable character in it you’re going to be dragged back to reality with the realisation that this is only after all just a book. What a let down….. 

I have come to a shocking realisation this morning, I’m a female creating male characters and oh my gosh I think I’ve created feminine, unrealistic male characters. I’m lucky to have a very romantic husband but he is not the type to try and stay clean or neat – ever! The main male protagonists in my manuscripts (that thankfully are still in the editing process) are too romantic, good looking, clean and neat, emotional and over all too perfect. Every female wants the perfect male and by creating that kind of protagonist I feel that we are reminding our readers that this piece of writing is just fiction and guys like that don’t exist. I’m scared now that my male characters would fit nicely into a Mills & Boon book. I have nothing against Mills & Boon books but they are notoriously known for having these unbelievable, overly emotional male characters. These are the characters that give the current male population an unfairly high standard that they almost always cannot reach. 

To all those lovely ladies who enjoy a good fantasy with the perfect male in it who ‘sweeps the girl off of her feet’ please remember that back here in real life like every other human being you must take the good with the bad. Love your partner for their amazing traits, traits that make you laugh and smile and don’t dwell on the things that may irritate or annoy you. To concentrate on the negatives in anything in life will always lead to hurt and disaster.

Back to my feminine characters. Maybe all manuscripts with the ‘perfect male’ in them should be read by a male to ensure that you haven’t created something so unrealistic your readers actually cringe whilst reading. I’ll try and give an example and I apologise if my writing isn’t at a high standard.

She stood there staring at him, the tears welling in her eyes as her heart was breaking. She needed him to love her, accept her for who she was. A tear spilled over slowly making its down her cheek. He stepped forward closing the gap between them, raised his hand and with the softest touch caught her tear and wiped it away. His hand slowly wrapped around her own and guided it up, placing it over where his heart is.

“My heart will always only beat for you my darling. I could never live without your love. I’ve spent my whole life searching for you, for this love.” His hand proceeded to caress her face and he stared deep into her eyes.

“You’re the most perfect creature I’ve ever seen and every time I see you, your beauty takes my breathe away.” He enfolded her in his strong muscular arms chasing away all of her fears.

Ok so that was even hard for me to write as I just wanted to say to the male character to ‘man up’ so to speak. I personally got a bit annoyed at how he acted more how a woman would want than how a man would actually act. Don’t get me wrong there may be times where writing like this makes sense or is appropriate but not in my writing that’s for sure. 

To write a relatable character in my experience is to combine the fantasy man (as above) with the experiences you have lived through. Those moments when you needed someone to say something that would make it all better but even though they try the words aren’t as perfect as you had imagined. Most males don’t always have the exact words you need to hear but nevertheless they try and usual try hard. Their love shouldn’t be measured by the words they say. When I cry my husband just pulls me into a hug, there’s none of this wiping away my tears stuff haha yet a hug always helps make it all better. 

Always remember the emotional moments in your life when writing about such things. It will help you and the readers relate to the characters and situation. Life and those in it aren’t always perfect – so why make all your characters and scenes perfect? 

 

 

Forgive but Never Forget — March 24, 2014

Forgive but Never Forget

This post is about my personal life and the things I learn through life experiences. It’s far from book related but every experience in life is another feeling that the characters in our book may go through. Everything an author experiences is a life lesson that we can write about and make our characters more realistic and relatable. 

All it takes is less than 48hrs of events to break the previously assumed strong foundations of life. I’ve learnt so much about my relationship, my friends, my morals, expectations and values, the cruelness life can bring and of course myself. All of this in a weekend and what do you get = emotional overload. My head and heart are in emotional turmoil and there is chaos in my previously calm mind. This blog post is about letting it all out and hopefully moving forward in my life. As a friend told me, “we all need to vent sometimes.” This is my vent. A fun, romantic weekend away turned into a massive disaster which left me emotionally destroyed and angry. It’s amazing how the actions of others can start a chain reaction, leading to an explosion or in my case implosion…..

 

Emotions are strange things. They dictate our lives, never allowing us to function without them regardless of what we think. Even trying to be nonchalant about life is still a feeling and there are ALWAYS some underlying emotions fighting to break through and even sometimes break you. 

Jealousy can lead to verbal abuse and degradation which can cause a defining moment based on other people’s emotional reactions. Their reactions can cause anger, resentment and a break down in trust or it can result in a new fondness, appreciation and gratitude. I feel that sex (male and female) can play such a huge difference in people’s behaviour. It’s wasn’t the first time a male had degraded, belittled and been down right nasty to me, hell I work in a male dominated industry which leads to some males feeling threatened and being abusive. And it’s far from the first time I wished I was a samurai so I had the strength to kick their arses but the proverbial kick in the guts came from my husbands reaction or in this case lack thereof. In life I feel that with every positive in someone’s personality something else (that doesn’t always matter that much) loses out. My darling husband is incredibly laid back and I love that. It means that we have only ever really had a handful of very minor fights but never anything serious. 

Unlike my husband, I have a fiery side which includes a temper that shows itself albeit rarely. The longer I’m with my husband the calmer I become and that’s usually a good thing. No-one wants to be a loose canon that people are scared of became it takes nothing to set off a Godzilla kind of rage. BUT and I mean BUT there is a protective side of me that will never be sedated especially not for good. It will always remain and heaven forbid you should do a damn thing to hurt one of my loved ones. Is it because I’m female? Is it a motherly instinct that we are born with that grows with us as our love does? I’m not a mother – yet (God willing of course) but I’d hate to be someone who hurts my babies because as my mother has always said = NO-ONE hurts her ‘chickies!’ My mother (hen as she refers to herself as) has always been a very protective mother. Of course I’m biased but she was always there to ‘save her babies’ and still at 26yrs old she will offer to fight for me. That’s the kind of love I feel for John. I would fight tooth and nail for him and would sacrifice everything just for him to be happy. As one of my previous blog posts explained, my love for him is all-consuming and no matter what it always will be. I know he loves me just as much which is another reason why this has all hit me like a truck at high speed. I feel broken and don’t know how I’m supposed to handle and deal with this all.

Cue my itunes to start playing ‘Say Something by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera’ = nice!!!! Good timing itunes!

The thought that has replayed itself over and over again is – I can handle myself but I shouldn’t have to, not anymore. That’s his job’

For the last TWO years whenever one of his supposed good friends decides to grace us with his presence (how fortunate are we?) he says nasty things to me. We banter nastily only for me to try and explain to John that he needs to step in and put a stop to it. He always apologises and promises he will and doesn’t want to have anything to do with said ‘friend’ again. Unfortunately as time goes on, things fade and past misdemeanours are forgotten. I of course love him and don’t want to nag him nor give him ultimatums. In hindsight I really should’ve done that a LONG time ago. You live and you learn from such things I guess.

When I’m hurt and angry I’m not the kind of person to yell and scream and be violent although I certainly wanted to. I bottle it up and stay quiet for fear of letting go, losing control and becoming the monster that those negative emotions turn you into.

Things have seen bee sorted but I’m not sure John really understands why I’m so upset. I’m having a very hard time overcoming the hurt and confusion at why so may times did he just stand there and let (or more like make) me stand up for myself. I don’t understand how he didn’t feel any protective emotions. I don’t know how to deal with that and he broke my trust in a way that hurts more than so anything else. The burning question that has since wrapped itself around my heart and constricts it like a disease is how will he react if such a situation occurs again? My chest aches and I’m scared at the answer to that question. He says he’s learnt his lesson and I know he’s protected me in the past but there have been many times I wished he would’ve stepped up so to speak. I need someone to tell me, to give me an answer I can understand as to how he could just stand there and let it continue. I know the aching will fade but the memories are etched in my mind forever.

I was very lucky though to have an unexpected ally. His best and most loyal friend and my best friend’s husband. He walked me home and took care of me. He may have admitted that he didn’t understand John’s actions but he still stuck up for him and was, as best friends should be, loyal to him whilst still being a nice guy to me. My hope if for him to maybe guide John to be the man he needs to be. Marriage means growing up for both parties I feel and that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or have other friends but you must ALWAYS stay fiercely loyal to that one person regardless of who says something against them be it best friend or the most powerful person in the world. Fight for what’s right, always fight for them.

I apologise for venting but sometimes the hard lessons others learn in life can help prevent things, help give you strength to make changes or show you that other people problems that you may be able to relate to as well. Love if hard and life is harder. Life and the people in it will always be waiting to destroy your happiness. NEVER let them succeed. 

I live by the belief to always forgive as it will bring you peace but never ever forget for those moments have shaped you as a person and you never want to forget how you became the person you are now. 

Forgive but never forget….

 

 

***Like always I apologise for spelling and grammatical errors. These things occur and my blog is more about freedom of speech rather than an edited copy of my thoughts. I rarely reread my blog posts before publishing and leave the dreaded editing to my manuscript.*** 

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started