This post is about my personal life and the things I learn through life experiences. It’s far from book related but every experience in life is another feeling that the characters in our book may go through. Everything an author experiences is a life lesson that we can write about and make our characters more realistic and relatable.
All it takes is less than 48hrs of events to break the previously assumed strong foundations of life. I’ve learnt so much about my relationship, my friends, my morals, expectations and values, the cruelness life can bring and of course myself. All of this in a weekend and what do you get = emotional overload. My head and heart are in emotional turmoil and there is chaos in my previously calm mind. This blog post is about letting it all out and hopefully moving forward in my life. As a friend told me, “we all need to vent sometimes.” This is my vent. A fun, romantic weekend away turned into a massive disaster which left me emotionally destroyed and angry. It’s amazing how the actions of others can start a chain reaction, leading to an explosion or in my case implosion…..
Emotions are strange things. They dictate our lives, never allowing us to function without them regardless of what we think. Even trying to be nonchalant about life is still a feeling and there are ALWAYS some underlying emotions fighting to break through and even sometimes break you.
Jealousy can lead to verbal abuse and degradation which can cause a defining moment based on other people’s emotional reactions. Their reactions can cause anger, resentment and a break down in trust or it can result in a new fondness, appreciation and gratitude. I feel that sex (male and female) can play such a huge difference in people’s behaviour. It’s wasn’t the first time a male had degraded, belittled and been down right nasty to me, hell I work in a male dominated industry which leads to some males feeling threatened and being abusive. And it’s far from the first time I wished I was a samurai so I had the strength to kick their arses but the proverbial kick in the guts came from my husbands reaction or in this case lack thereof. In life I feel that with every positive in someone’s personality something else (that doesn’t always matter that much) loses out. My darling husband is incredibly laid back and I love that. It means that we have only ever really had a handful of very minor fights but never anything serious.
Unlike my husband, I have a fiery side which includes a temper that shows itself albeit rarely. The longer I’m with my husband the calmer I become and that’s usually a good thing. No-one wants to be a loose canon that people are scared of became it takes nothing to set off a Godzilla kind of rage. BUT and I mean BUT there is a protective side of me that will never be sedated especially not for good. It will always remain and heaven forbid you should do a damn thing to hurt one of my loved ones. Is it because I’m female? Is it a motherly instinct that we are born with that grows with us as our love does? I’m not a mother – yet (God willing of course) but I’d hate to be someone who hurts my babies because as my mother has always said = NO-ONE hurts her ‘chickies!’ My mother (hen as she refers to herself as) has always been a very protective mother. Of course I’m biased but she was always there to ‘save her babies’ and still at 26yrs old she will offer to fight for me. That’s the kind of love I feel for John. I would fight tooth and nail for him and would sacrifice everything just for him to be happy. As one of my previous blog posts explained, my love for him is all-consuming and no matter what it always will be. I know he loves me just as much which is another reason why this has all hit me like a truck at high speed. I feel broken and don’t know how I’m supposed to handle and deal with this all.
Cue my itunes to start playing ‘Say Something by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera’ = nice!!!! Good timing itunes!
The thought that has replayed itself over and over again is – I can handle myself but I shouldn’t have to, not anymore. That’s his job’
For the last TWO years whenever one of his supposed good friends decides to grace us with his presence (how fortunate are we?) he says nasty things to me. We banter nastily only for me to try and explain to John that he needs to step in and put a stop to it. He always apologises and promises he will and doesn’t want to have anything to do with said ‘friend’ again. Unfortunately as time goes on, things fade and past misdemeanours are forgotten. I of course love him and don’t want to nag him nor give him ultimatums. In hindsight I really should’ve done that a LONG time ago. You live and you learn from such things I guess.
When I’m hurt and angry I’m not the kind of person to yell and scream and be violent although I certainly wanted to. I bottle it up and stay quiet for fear of letting go, losing control and becoming the monster that those negative emotions turn you into.
Things have seen bee sorted but I’m not sure John really understands why I’m so upset. I’m having a very hard time overcoming the hurt and confusion at why so may times did he just stand there and let (or more like make) me stand up for myself. I don’t understand how he didn’t feel any protective emotions. I don’t know how to deal with that and he broke my trust in a way that hurts more than so anything else. The burning question that has since wrapped itself around my heart and constricts it like a disease is how will he react if such a situation occurs again? My chest aches and I’m scared at the answer to that question. He says he’s learnt his lesson and I know he’s protected me in the past but there have been many times I wished he would’ve stepped up so to speak. I need someone to tell me, to give me an answer I can understand as to how he could just stand there and let it continue. I know the aching will fade but the memories are etched in my mind forever.
I was very lucky though to have an unexpected ally. His best and most loyal friend and my best friend’s husband. He walked me home and took care of me. He may have admitted that he didn’t understand John’s actions but he still stuck up for him and was, as best friends should be, loyal to him whilst still being a nice guy to me. My hope if for him to maybe guide John to be the man he needs to be. Marriage means growing up for both parties I feel and that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or have other friends but you must ALWAYS stay fiercely loyal to that one person regardless of who says something against them be it best friend or the most powerful person in the world. Fight for what’s right, always fight for them.
I apologise for venting but sometimes the hard lessons others learn in life can help prevent things, help give you strength to make changes or show you that other people problems that you may be able to relate to as well. Love if hard and life is harder. Life and the people in it will always be waiting to destroy your happiness. NEVER let them succeed.
I live by the belief to always forgive as it will bring you peace but never ever forget for those moments have shaped you as a person and you never want to forget how you became the person you are now.
Forgive but never forget….
***Like always I apologise for spelling and grammatical errors. These things occur and my blog is more about freedom of speech rather than an edited copy of my thoughts. I rarely reread my blog posts before publishing and leave the dreaded editing to my manuscript.***