Ramblings of a Young Aussie Writer

A writer lost in her own imagination

Love You More, Love You Most – A mum post — November 7, 2019

Love You More, Love You Most – A mum post

I’ve always heard people say that you’ll never love anything as much as you love your child, and that it’s a ‘different kind of love’ but I’ve always brushed it off. Then I had a small human. It took too long of a time to get this little creature but finally she’s earthside. And I kind of get it now.

We all have personality qualities that can be fantastic but terrible or even undesirable. I may be known to be fiery (I like to say passionate), unrivalled stubbornness and the word drama queen has been thrown around a few times. Then I had a child and suddenly there’s a mini me in the world. Sorry not sorry….

My fiery, stubborn princess is a force to be reckoned with (already!) and I adore her sass. She was tiny and only now is starting to get near average size for her age but how the hell her huge personality fits in such a tiny package, I’ll never know. I adore this wild little girl who loves me unconditionally (whilst simultaneously throwing food at me) BUT back we come to the love topic.

I was so scared I’d love my husband less. A terrifying thought because he is my universe. Well, turns out I don’t. It’s stupid how thankful I am for that, yet I am. I want to explain how I don’t believe the unwarranted advice from strangers is not the case at all. It took a good few months of having a new born to realise that I’m a human before I’m a mother. I know many people would chastise me for such a selfish statement but it’s true. There are two sides to me now – the mother, and the human. The mother side of me would burn the world to the ground for my daughter if needed. This is only one side of me, though. I am human. Not really something you can deny. Physically, I have necessary needs in order to function. There are also psychological needs as well, these are no less important (as I have learned). I have dealt with bad postnatal depression and anxiety – no shame, it happens. I nearly destroyed myself trying to function without getting the help I needed. Eventually, when I was nearly broken, I sought help. With the right help, I’m a better mother, wife and overall a better person. Postnatal depression should not be a taboo topic but that’s a story for another day. My husband is and always will be my sun. He is my strength, he picks me up when I’m not sure I can do it all anymore and he’s my rock. To my fiery, wild nature, he is a calm, laid back man.

I love my daughter in an indescribable way but the love I have for my husband has only increased. He is an amazing father and I’m in awe of how he handles our small human when I hit my breaking point. As a mother, I need to always be strong for my daughter, but he is MY strength and allows me to be weak. For that, I am incredibly thankful.

Maybe we shouldn’t be inferring that you will love your partner less once you have a child but instead tell people how your love can only deepen once you bring that tiny human into your lives. I find it more appropriate to say – if you think you can’t love your partner more, just wait until that tiny human makes an appearance.

A love Shakespeare could only dream of – Dedicated to my husband <3 — February 26, 2014

A love Shakespeare could only dream of – Dedicated to my husband <3

This is just some of my raw thoughts, I’m baring my naked soul in this writing. I apologise for any mistakes but this was written straight from the heart and I didn’t want to edit it. It is what it is.

This is dedicated to my amazing husband John Bull –

He held out his strong arms offering me the sanctity of his embrace. I more than happily obliged, being safe in his arms was what I sorely needed. I loved him more than anything I had ever known and the beating of his heart against my own pulled together to beat in sync. I was safe, I was loved and as long I was in his arms I always would be. Fleeting fears splattered through my head and I pressed against him trying to push them out. It was so hard to stop myself from letting these fears manifest into the sickening ideas they were. The ‘what if’s’ started to flood my mind and fear crawled into my previously calm heart. It was as though ice had slowly slide down my neck making my hair stand on end as it did. I felt sick, my stomach churned. I hated these thoughts, they plague me when I least expected it.

What would I do without him? What if he wasn’t there? What if something happened to him? My brain created an array of sickening scenes and theories that catch my breath in my chest. A million nightmares would be better than this. I can’t live without him. I know it, I know it more than anything. He is my life force, the one thing that tethers me to real life, the one thing that keeps me sane. Without him I’d fall apart, crumbling to pieces littering the ground, broken.

You make the stars shine, the sun flood me with it’s warmth and the calmness of night fall upon me. You are my world. I know you love me for everything that I am and I will never understand why but I’m so glad you do. Life before you seems like a lonely world of black and white compared to my life filled with a kaleidoscope of colours now. Together we are perfect, two souls that fit exactly together. You’ve made me understand and feel that complete, all consuming love, the love I’ve read about my whole life. I stumble but you won’t let me fall, you’re always there. There’s no coming back from this love, our love. I don’t know how to live without it and I doubt I could. When you die I want to be right there with you.

As if you sensed my fears enclosing around the happiness in my mind you squeezed me tighter, the feel of you pushed those fears back into the depths where they belong. Your lips grazed my forehead as you gave me a gentle kiss, saying more than words ever could. I am yours and you will always protect me, always. I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of life without you.

Loving you is more natural than breathing and with every beat of my heart I love you more. Forever is not long enough.

Where ever you are, that is my heaven