This is just some of my raw thoughts, I’m baring my naked soul in this writing. I apologise for any mistakes but this was written straight from the heart and I didn’t want to edit it. It is what it is.
This is dedicated to my amazing husband John Bull –
He held out his strong arms offering me the sanctity of his embrace. I more than happily obliged, being safe in his arms was what I sorely needed. I loved him more than anything I had ever known and the beating of his heart against my own pulled together to beat in sync. I was safe, I was loved and as long I was in his arms I always would be. Fleeting fears splattered through my head and I pressed against him trying to push them out. It was so hard to stop myself from letting these fears manifest into the sickening ideas they were. The ‘what if’s’ started to flood my mind and fear crawled into my previously calm heart. It was as though ice had slowly slide down my neck making my hair stand on end as it did. I felt sick, my stomach churned. I hated these thoughts, they plague me when I least expected it.
What would I do without him? What if he wasn’t there? What if something happened to him? My brain created an array of sickening scenes and theories that catch my breath in my chest. A million nightmares would be better than this. I can’t live without him. I know it, I know it more than anything. He is my life force, the one thing that tethers me to real life, the one thing that keeps me sane. Without him I’d fall apart, crumbling to pieces littering the ground, broken.
You make the stars shine, the sun flood me with it’s warmth and the calmness of night fall upon me. You are my world. I know you love me for everything that I am and I will never understand why but I’m so glad you do. Life before you seems like a lonely world of black and white compared to my life filled with a kaleidoscope of colours now. Together we are perfect, two souls that fit exactly together. You’ve made me understand and feel that complete, all consuming love, the love I’ve read about my whole life. I stumble but you won’t let me fall, you’re always there. There’s no coming back from this love, our love. I don’t know how to live without it and I doubt I could. When you die I want to be right there with you.
As if you sensed my fears enclosing around the happiness in my mind you squeezed me tighter, the feel of you pushed those fears back into the depths where they belong. Your lips grazed my forehead as you gave me a gentle kiss, saying more than words ever could. I am yours and you will always protect me, always. I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of life without you.
Loving you is more natural than breathing and with every beat of my heart I love you more. Forever is not long enough.
Where ever you are, that is my heaven