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Maybe I Was Wrong

I hard an overwhelming urge to write so here’s a paragraph of writing. My emotions take over and I’m compelled to write them out. This is a darker side of my writing but hopefully you enjoy it.

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The photo stares at me haunting my thoughts, leading them to places I don’t want to go anymore. The tears have run dry and even as my throat chokes up I know there will be no more tears, I promised myself. I miss you like hell but I’m not going let that consume me. Hating you is unnatural, it tears my soul apart. I like to live in my fantasy world where we’re still so close, where you don’t hate me and where my heart doesn’t ache all the time. I’m sorry, I was wrong. They’re the words you want me to say to you to fix things but it will never go back to the way it was. One stupid fight and now there’s a gaping tear that’s ripped us apart. If or maybe when that tear heals over there will always be that scar that will never fade enough for us to forget. I’ve never been good at being stubborn, it’s not in my nature but this time is different. It goes against every fibre in my body but I’m not surrendering this time, not yet. The ball is in your court but your stubbornness is controlling you. You’re older so why aren’t you wiser? If nothing is stronger than the love a parent has for their child then why the hell hasn’t that taken over yet? What happened to the days when you were humble enough to admit your wrongs? I expected better, I expected so much more. You were my hero, we’ve always been close but it’s scary how a single fight has broken our seemingly unbreakable bond. When did your pride take over your love for your family? When did you turn into everything that you’ve always hated? How could all of the noble morals you taught me just slip away? All eyes are on me to apologise, I’m the one in the wrong, right? And you’re pitied by everyone because of how wonderful you used to be. I’ll take my share of the responsibility but you know I had every right to lose it with you. You should’ve known I could only take so much yet you kept pushing. Although it’s like acid eating away at me I will stand my ground, for once.

Maybe I was wrong. No, this time YOU were wrong!

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Posted by on October 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Looking In The Mirror – My Imperfections Are Showing

If I look in the mirror for long enough I will always find some flaw, some terrible imperfection that still isn’t hidden by my carefully applied make-up. I thought I’d covered them all up but there they are, tainting my reflection that seemed acceptable only a few moments ago. I feel like the imperfections in my personality, my soul are somehow showing on the outside for all to see. I don’t know what I want to look at when I stand in front of the mirror, maybe some strange illusion of perfection – whatever that is.

Just when my demons threaten to consume me my husband wraps his arms around my waist, lightly kisses me on the cheek and smiles as he tells me ‘You look beautiful.” And just like that, he has silenced my demons. He is my strength. He is the one thing that will forever remind me that I am beautiful to him and that’s really all that matters.

Love is never to be underestimated. It has the power to show us beauty in places we thought there was none. It gives us the strength to battle our demons and reminds us we will always have someone on our ‘team.’

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I pray that everyone finds their soulmate and feel the love that it brings.

Thank you John for showing me how glorious love can be.

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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To Love Is To Fear

To love is to fear

The thought came to me recently when I heard about a friend’s husband who had passed away. Love is what drives away all our other fears but it does however (and deny it as much as you like) create a new kind of fear – a fear of live without such love.

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There are two types of fear that come with loving something so incredibly much. Of course there is the selfish love – I don’t want to live without them; and then there’s the – I never want anything bad to happen to them. 

The selfish side of fear seems like a negative but feeling such a strong connection to someone (even something – like a pet) is a blessing and I believe it changes the way we see the world. Like a flower growing between the cracks in the pavement, it reminds us that there are beauties such as love in an otherwise cruel world. These ones that we love bring us a happiness that we never want to be without. Our own personal sun that brightens each and every day. Maybe it’s selfish to never want them out of our lives but a love connection like that is one that will forever change us for the better.

The second is the fear that we can’t bear to think of the one we love so completely, having to ever be in pain, a pain that you can’t take away. To know or see them hurt is like a poison slowly killing you from the inside out. You know that you would do whatever it took to take that pain away. That is fear. 

In the end though I would rather have fear than live without love. 

 
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Posted by on August 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Writing a Relatable Character

Whenever I write I write with the aim to create all my characters with some aspect of relatability. It doesn’t matter how major nor minor they are, I think it’s paramount for a writer to make their characters believable. It’s our duty to our readers. To write in a weak, unbelievable character into a piece of work is an insult to your loyal readers. I feel like it is insulting their intelligence. I’ve read many things with character that are ‘groan worthy’ and it ruins the mood of the book. No matter how good a piece of writing is, if there is an unbelievable character in it you’re going to be dragged back to reality with the realisation that this is only after all just a book. What a let down….. 

I have come to a shocking realisation this morning, I’m a female creating male characters and oh my gosh I think I’ve created feminine, unrealistic male characters. I’m lucky to have a very romantic husband but he is not the type to try and stay clean or neat – ever! The main male protagonists in my manuscripts (that thankfully are still in the editing process) are too romantic, good looking, clean and neat, emotional and over all too perfect. Every female wants the perfect male and by creating that kind of protagonist I feel that we are reminding our readers that this piece of writing is just fiction and guys like that don’t exist. I’m scared now that my male characters would fit nicely into a Mills & Boon book. I have nothing against Mills & Boon books but they are notoriously known for having these unbelievable, overly emotional male characters. These are the characters that give the current male population an unfairly high standard that they almost always cannot reach. 

To all those lovely ladies who enjoy a good fantasy with the perfect male in it who ‘sweeps the girl off of her feet’ please remember that back here in real life like every other human being you must take the good with the bad. Love your partner for their amazing traits, traits that make you laugh and smile and don’t dwell on the things that may irritate or annoy you. To concentrate on the negatives in anything in life will always lead to hurt and disaster.

Back to my feminine characters. Maybe all manuscripts with the ‘perfect male’ in them should be read by a male to ensure that you haven’t created something so unrealistic your readers actually cringe whilst reading. I’ll try and give an example and I apologise if my writing isn’t at a high standard.

She stood there staring at him, the tears welling in her eyes as her heart was breaking. She needed him to love her, accept her for who she was. A tear spilled over slowly making its down her cheek. He stepped forward closing the gap between them, raised his hand and with the softest touch caught her tear and wiped it away. His hand slowly wrapped around her own and guided it up, placing it over where his heart is.

“My heart will always only beat for you my darling. I could never live without your love. I’ve spent my whole life searching for you, for this love.” His hand proceeded to caress her face and he stared deep into her eyes.

“You’re the most perfect creature I’ve ever seen and every time I see you, your beauty takes my breathe away.” He enfolded her in his strong muscular arms chasing away all of her fears.

Ok so that was even hard for me to write as I just wanted to say to the male character to ‘man up’ so to speak. I personally got a bit annoyed at how he acted more how a woman would want than how a man would actually act. Don’t get me wrong there may be times where writing like this makes sense or is appropriate but not in my writing that’s for sure. 

To write a relatable character in my experience is to combine the fantasy man (as above) with the experiences you have lived through. Those moments when you needed someone to say something that would make it all better but even though they try the words aren’t as perfect as you had imagined. Most males don’t always have the exact words you need to hear but nevertheless they try and usual try hard. Their love shouldn’t be measured by the words they say. When I cry my husband just pulls me into a hug, there’s none of this wiping away my tears stuff haha yet a hug always helps make it all better. 

Always remember the emotional moments in your life when writing about such things. It will help you and the readers relate to the characters and situation. Life and those in it aren’t always perfect – so why make all your characters and scenes perfect? 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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A love Shakespeare could only dream of – Dedicated to my husband <3

This is just some of my raw thoughts, I’m baring my naked soul in this writing. I apologise for any mistakes but this was written straight from the heart and I didn’t want to edit it. It is what it is.

This is dedicated to my amazing husband John Bull –

He held out his strong arms offering me the sanctity of his embrace. I more than happily obliged, being safe in his arms was what I sorely needed. I loved him more than anything I had ever known and the beating of his heart against my own pulled together to beat in sync. I was safe, I was loved and as long I was in his arms I always would be. Fleeting fears splattered through my head and I pressed against him trying to push them out. It was so hard to stop myself from letting these fears manifest into the sickening ideas they were. The ‘what if’s’ started to flood my mind and fear crawled into my previously calm heart. It was as though ice had slowly slide down my neck making my hair stand on end as it did. I felt sick, my stomach churned. I hated these thoughts, they plague me when I least expected it.

What would I do without him? What if he wasn’t there? What if something happened to him? My brain created an array of sickening scenes and theories that catch my breath in my chest. A million nightmares would be better than this. I can’t live without him. I know it, I know it more than anything. He is my life force, the one thing that tethers me to real life, the one thing that keeps me sane. Without him I’d fall apart, crumbling to pieces littering the ground, broken.

You make the stars shine, the sun flood me with it’s warmth and the calmness of night fall upon me. You are my world. I know you love me for everything that I am and I will never understand why but I’m so glad you do. Life before you seems like a lonely world of black and white compared to my life filled with a kaleidoscope of colours now. Together we are perfect, two souls that fit exactly together. You’ve made me understand and feel that complete, all consuming love, the love I’ve read about my whole life. I stumble but you won’t let me fall, you’re always there. There’s no coming back from this love, our love. I don’t know how to live without it and I doubt I could. When you die I want to be right there with you.

As if you sensed my fears enclosing around the happiness in my mind you squeezed me tighter, the feel of you pushed those fears back into the depths where they belong. Your lips grazed my forehead as you gave me a gentle kiss, saying more than words ever could. I am yours and you will always protect me, always. I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of life without you.

Loving you is more natural than breathing and with every beat of my heart I love you more. Forever is not long enough.

Where ever you are, that is my heaven

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2014 in Love, Uncategorized, Writing

 

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